September 3: Day Five

September 3: Day Five

Yesterday morning wasn’t as bad. I cried when reading some of the FB comments (that are stillcoming, even if at a trickle) but it wasn’t a convulsive sobbing attack like Sunday. We went to see C and I was fine – gave (his dog) a bunch of snacks with no problems. I had ‘a moment’ as we were leaving a store later – I think maybe because we went into their pet section on the way out. Looking at dog crates, toys, beds, leashes, etc. probably triggered it. Not the best plan. Still, not all that bad, just a few tears.

I also had a big glass of moscato with dinner and another glass of Disaranno and milk with dessert – that might have been a mistake. I know alcohol is a depressant and magnifies moods… just didn’t think I had that much. I didn’t feel any physical effects, so it’s just a theory. I was overtired, I’d eaten too much, maybe drank too much, was tired, and had a headache and was missing Jackson. It was not a good night. I had a hard time getting to sleep, awake until the wee hours, tossing and turning.

More tears this morning – I got a reply to my email to J. She said:

OMG – what a connection 2 old friends have. I was planning to email this AM. I had a horrible dream about you Saturday night and I was so worried something was wrong. We were walking and you fell and were “broken”…………………an now I find out you are.

One ray of hope – T says it’s totally up to me if we get another dog, even if I wanted to get one today. The (lab breeder) says she doesn’t know how I can go without one – that she got a new one the day after her first dog passed. My heart says ‘now’, but my head says ‘wait’. I think I’m just looking to ease the pain, looking to get Jackson back. It might ease the pain, but I’ll never get my buddy back again. I haven’t really reached the place where my heart knows that. My head does, but I keep feeling like somehow there must be a way out of this. Irrational, I know, but that’s emotion. I’m afraid I’d be looking for a puppy to ‘take up where I left off’ and I’d be disappointed. It wouldn’t be good – either for me or for the new puppy. Rationally, I think I need to just keep slogging through this until I finally find I’ve come out on the other side, then I can make a rational decision. Do I want another dog? Do we want the responsibility, the expense, the (eventual) repeated heartache? Maybe I’ll be fine with no more pets. Maybe I’ll want TWO. I don’t know yet. I think the best route is just to keep doing what I’ve been doing – take it one day at a time. A new puppy? Not today.

It occurred to me tonight that the verse in S4G that I wrote about S’s passing applies just as well to Jackson’s:

On an early Friday morning in the quiet, cold and grey

It had been a long time coming, still it took my breath away

One thing I didn’t want to say – goodbye…

I know I’ll see S again and I have hope that – in the infinite mercy of God – I’ll also be reunited with my old brown buddy, my best friend… God is good.